Well there isn’t words I can really describe how I feel about her, I’m sure they’ll come eventually, I’m slow to love, really love and I take my time with how I feel and deal with things.
She has been gone for over 3 years now, even though I’m fine about it most of the time, it still gets me, when I least expect it.
Stupid stuff, like watching a movie – you don’t realise the extent of how deep your feelings go until they’ve actually left the bloody planet. How annoying is that?
I’ve never been really good with parent stuff, it just made me feel uncomfortable and so I moved 350 miles away – just to make sure.
Though it took me a long time to get it…. I eventually did and I’m so glad I did, I’m not going to pretend we saw “eye to eye” on things, we fell out for a while and also she would drive me crazy by her behaviour and I probably wasn’t much better. Though we got a lot closer and then to blow it all she was diagnosed with cancer and 5 months later she was gone…bam! Just like that.
My dearest sister looked after her and bless her for doing it so well.(The extent of her illness was bloody awful but as usual my mum kept stumm on how bad it really was.)
The last proper conversation I had with her was on Christmas Day 2006, she sounded absolutely fine, chirpy and well happy to hear from me, we chatted for quite a while and that was really lovely. I will treasure that.
I won’t go into the details of how she passed, it was peaceful, profound and we were all there.
Sometimes I wish I’d been closer to her – emotionally and physically, but we did share some really good times and when I figure out how the hell to use my scanner properly I’ll upload some good pics – I have one with her laughing, well more smirking, she was a bit daft like that.. I see where I get it from.
The point of this… who the hell knows, felt inspired I guess, I’m not really the mushy type, of course I cry (don’t we all) but it’s just really to honour the woman she was… my mother.