Power control and love I’ve wanted to write this post for a very long time though it’s taken me this long to fully understand how it all works and what is really going on (It’s still a work in progress, life is like that 😀
I’ve read a lot to back up my thoughts and clarify where I’m coming from and it’s helped me tremendously to write this. I know I write about deep stuff sometimes it isn’t comfortable or easy to read but I’m not going to pretend or be dishonest that is just beyond me and who I am as a person.
I’ve loved all the blogging I’ve done and this post is very special to me as it’s about something very close to my heart namely power and control
I used to think I was a victim and had been mentally and emotionally abused by controlling/manipulative people in my life many years ago but also I can see I was also controlling and manipulative too, I just couldn’t see it for years as I condemned that behaviour in others yet I was doing it myself! So this post isn’t about condemning people it’s about learning, as I know as I’ve been there.
Funny you don’t get it sometimes something so obvious that stares you in the face, yet the signs are there it is because we choose to ignore them, that nagging feeling that things don’t feel right, or something is said unintentionally and you blow up instead of taking it with grace, the manipulation of others feelings to suit your own ends, the retaliation, the supposed backlash of being hurt so you hurt back to make yourself feel better, bully tactics, intimidation and violence (emotional, physical and mental) not being responsible for your actions, denial, which can either lead to aloofness and coldness or dismissal of the other person’s feelings and love, ignorance,controlling another person through subtle and not so subtle words, feelings and actions, that undermine trust and love, lack of awareness and plain stubbornness to the real needs of self and others compounded by the lack of self-worth, confidence self-esteem and self-love. all this is prevalent in supposed power and control issues.
It’s not about real power, real power shares responsibility, imagine a set of scales the balance may vary a little on each side but if one side is too loaded it tips the scales, then the relationship feels uneven and that’s not good, this is not the same as helping a friend or partner through a rough time as that person just needs some TLC and support, you aren’t controlling the person you are offering love
Real love , power, integrity stems from understanding, how you work as a person,and working with another to bring about a mutual “win win” situation. The understanding of sharing, trust, love and commitment to any type of relationship whether it be husband and wife, lover, friend, or business partner. When there is real trust, and respect the need for defensive behaviour or manipulative behaviour isn’t necessary and then in turn builds more trust, if there are any issues they can be safely brought up, heard and resolved to everyone’s benefit.
Safety is a huge issue here, for people who think they have control and power they are deeply insecure about themselves and their role/status in life and have real or imaginary ways of always living up to their own or other peoples expectations (which can be way too high and unrealistic a lot of the time) also very rarely finding what feels good and right for them in a positive way not selfishly. Theycan step on you to get what they want as they don’t feel they can trust anyone long enough to matter or feel they will be let down by them or go about self sabotaging the whole situation to avoid being hurt, even though there is nothing fundamentally wrong with their relationships with the people in their lives.
With real inner power the relationship is shared so the power flows from one person to another gently sometimes one person will feel more commanding, powerful or assertive in certain situations than others, the other person happily acquiesces as there is no loss of face, no manipulation or control so they other person feel comfortable, loved and trust builds and so does intimacy. A lot of controlling people don’t really understand real intimacy or only have fleeting moments of it as, to be intimate (I’m not just talking sexually here but emotionally) you need to trust the person and be vulnerable and open to really feel the connection. Being intimate is one of the most wonderful feelings I’ve ever felt and to share that is phenomenal. The respect we can have with another leads to more integrity and trust, which is a wonderful place to be.
When control is in full force, there is no intimacy only a feeling of superiority and a deep held mistrust of the other person and deep down I expect a certain timidity and fear (especially about being hurt) under all the bluster.
Trusting yourself and the other person and believing in that trust is the stepping stone to belief in yourself and relating to others, the need to control falls away when we acknowledge what is really bothering us and what is making us angry, sad, and upset. When we suppress our feelings until they go tick.. tick.. like a bomb and the BOOOM we explode. No one can cause another person to act. Everyone chooses how they are going to respond to a situation; either violently or non-violently. On the flip side there is also the depression, the sadness, the feelings of inadequacy these are all symptoms of control and a lack of real power as sometimes when we fail to manipulate someone or lose friends/lovers through our behaviour we don’t understand how to deal with the depression or anger we feel.
Interesting article ( it’s quite funny) about drama (which can also be a big part in control and power issues) A lot of people who have control/power issues are also miserable and have the proverbial “poker up their arse” syndrome, I’m not saying they are miserable all the time but their negativity and control issues don’t help to see the lighter and more fun side of life.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.