John Lennon and Yoko Ono by Annie Leibovitz
Info about the picture

Now, I love this photograph, a lot of people see John Lennon as being the vulnerable one here, (interpretation is so subjective, that’s why everyone has a different take on it) I see Yoko as more vulnerable than John (she looks encompassed and held in rapture by him), I see him as being totally open and embracing everything about her in her entirety, with no judgement; now that’s what I call unconditional love.

Now that is what has brought me to where I am, it’s not a hocus-pocus type of love that is unobtainable it’s a state of grace, acceptance and love on a deep level, that just is. It’s not easy to explain with words I just feel it and I’m so happy I can access those feelings a lot.

This is a surprise for me, I wasn’t even thinking about writing a post about this subject at all, I’ve avoided it for many, many years and wouldn’t have gone anywhere near it with a barge pole

So here I am; having profoundly amazing experiences tends to do that…

Acknowledging this energy and the unconditional love has totally freed me to be who I am. In becoming that person, I feel so much more authentic and strong, my energy regularly goes bananas (always a good sign with me)  and I’ve also found some great energy helping tips ( good timing) through my good friend Tom and Access Consciousness

Knowing deep inside that something has shifted and integrating it into my consciousness is a truly wonderful experience.

My blog in general has many themes, especially about emotions and I know from feedback I’ve received that there is comfort and understanding that is gotten from these posts. Especially the ones about difficult or taboo emotions

Looking at vulnerability for me has always been a big no-no, I’d forgotten how much – just avoiding it has been my stance for years. The feelings of other people being vulnerable I can deal with, but they have shown me for years this needs to be looked at again and again

Would I? Not a chance in hell! I would say I’m actually rather aware of how I’m doing most of the time and my journey to where I am today has been an eventful one. The one subject I’ve not being having issues with (as I’ve buried it deep enough not to come out) is being vulnerable; as I’ve always been tough, you know, independent, can cope even though I’m hurting deeply and self-sufficient emotionally and physically

The turning point was going to hospital recently, I felt very vulnerable afterwards and it deeply affected me but I soldiered on .. like I have always done. Why I did that, I suppose it’s just learned behaviour, years of training myself, that I don’t need anyone to take care of me. Now that is a hugely emotive subjective as us emancipated woman that we are, aren’t supposed to need help.

But I actually do, I’d like someone to have my back, take care of me and just to know someone is there, is so comforting for me. I used to get upset with aloof and distant people (but really it was a mirror to look at my own emotional distance to myself and my needs) We are all learning and doing the best we can, with the awareness we’ve got and that is good enough!

I’m learning about being truly open, I’m really excited for the 1st time in years. Seeing new possibilities, new avenues of growth, love and intimacy. I am truly blessed with the love I have around me. I feel I’ve been through a learning curve (with a few of them damn curve balls, they have been whizzing past my head a lot lately!). For me this is a great time, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing and that’s absolutely great, I have plans and ideas, but I’m also winging it too (which makes it quite fun) and enjoying the ride to see what happens!

I use guided imagery and have worked with Tom Verbroekken (he’s an excellent coach/Bars Facilitator and friend) on and off over the last few months

I saw a picture of Queen Grimhilde from Snow White complete with apple, It was my way (of not so subtle way of telling me) that I don’t need to do this, I don’t need to delve into this stuff – I always put up defences even against myself; in the past it has sometimes been a fiercesome wolf (now one of my animal guides, the others being a jaguar and bear)

Before I realised I could work with these archetypes, I was frightened by them as the defences was there to protect me from moving deeper, but me knowing myself as I do, I knew I had to go deeper, integrate these aspects and find out what is really going on inside and after talking to the Queen, who tried valiantly to discourage me. I found out what was really going on.

I found my inner child again (I have two, in true Moon in Gemini fashion) Though you may scoff I find guided imagery work to be really helpful in understanding myself and what makes me tick. The child I found wasn’t the strong assertive blonde haired one in dungarees (whom I feel quite comfortable with) Underneath the witch (who was protecting her) was the other child, her name is Mary, she has brown curly hair, wears a dress and is quite quiet and otherworldly, she is sensitive and vulnerable and that’s why she’s here now as I’m exploring what that means for me.

I’ve always known she was there, she sits quietly and plays with her doll, There is a quiet side to me, that comes out ever so often and I’m actually so like her, I just couldn’t acknowledge it to myself for a long time. It’s great to have people around me who are totally at home with that side of me

I’m always the strong one, the one who takes charge and sorts everyone else out. Sometimes I can feel very vulnerable and acknowledging this is starting to get a lot easier.

Acceptance; jeez this was and is an interesting place for me… accepting me and others as they are, was more of an intellectual concept than a reality. Just accepting how I am, being, feeling, thinking etc without judgement, it’s so easy to judge yourself and others, especially disapproving of myself, I used to be so good at that. Well, I just got sick of it as I never felt good inside and I just felt like crap so loving/liking myself and just welcoming the way I was feeling regardless of whether it was good bad or indifferent was a revelation for me, the penny dropped…finally see there I go again.

When I realised that acceptance of you as you are; is a great point to help build good self-esteem and healing you feel less neurotic about yourself and others as the mind does love to play games.. and how tiring they are the “what if” scenarios, the negative programming we all have built in to help make the self-doubt and worry prosper especially when  I’m deeply in self -doubt and I’m feeling overwhelmed (well the whole bloody lot of it just did my poor head in and something had to be done as I wasn’t helping myself and was sick of going through the same loops again and again), The CAP thing made sense to me – courageousness and peace I could deal with but I had a harder time dealing with acceptance, I’d not been accepting anywhere near lots of parts of me so how could I accept others?

I’ve also been delving into a therapy called Access Consciousness, the name and how it works kind of baffles me, but the energy shifts ( I have always been able to perceive energy in a kinesthetic way since I was about 15) have been bloody marvellous as I’ve gone through some wicked changes. I’m a lot more peaceful than I’ve been in a while and have cleared lots of “gack” as I put it. Now for me not having the burdens of lots of  really intense, negative emotions (namely grief, anger and separation) are not something I want to sit with all the time and I’m no use to anyone else, so being proactive and letting the Universal energy do the work, it’s taken a lot of the pressure off me to “do stuff” all the time. Sometimes the busy human being I am, needs a rest.

So I’m still not that comfortable with vulnerability, I don’t expect many people are, though by accepting myself in this state and being vulnerable is ok. Inside, I know deep down I’m safe, I just need to convince the rest of me now. Vulnerability is also about trust, trusting yourself and others as if you ain’t got that, well you’re pretty stuffed. Trust is really important to me and I’ve struggled with that as much as the vulnerability. Learning to open myself and be me, is fantastic as I truly am happier when I accept how I feel and be true to my feelings.

I’m a very honest person and lying just doesn’t do it for me, I can be a bit blunt and straight to the point sometimes, though I don’t come from a place of malice, I’m just being real. This world can be so fucked up sometimes; it’s good to have real intimacy, vulnerability and trust, as when people get scared, those are the traits then tend to get buried/suppressed first (as not acceptable to others or the person isn’t willing to own their feelings and controls those feelings or situations) I’m still learning and sorting out these “interesting feelings” I’m having. Sometimes the trust needs to kick in and I just go with the flow instead. (It’s so much easier and I’m so tired of fighting with my feelings)

I remember a long time ago when I was feeling pretty vulnerable and was working nights as a barmaid in a pub (to earn some money) I was feeling pretty low and things weren’t that good (I was living with 2 small children in a hostel) This customer ordered a drink and handed me a photocopy of this picture (above). I still have the original on my pin board in my kitchen (looking a little worse for wear) I don’t even remember what he even looked like now. Some random stranger passing by. Though it had a profound effect on me and even though when life throws them damn curve balls and you feel as vulnerable and unsure as hell; there is always help and an angel nearby to make sure you are ok. Angel being a literal Guardian Angel, or an Earth Angel/friend or both 🙂

Music listened to while editing and writing this post

Federico Aubele – Panamericana 

Photo by Johannes Kroemer